Fear and loathing in Surrey. (Ok, this is a little extreme of a title...)

I could call this confessions from the dark side...

The other day I set the baby on the floor for a minute after I took her out of her high chair. She ate a bunch of the cheerios off the floor that she had dropped while eating. I let her. then I didn't have to sweep up after her. I would do it again, but Steve won't let me.

I took the UCCB to the casino last month. I won. I pocketed the winnings, I still have them hiding for something special. This I will definitely do again. I haven't told Steve.

I got bitched out at the playground last week, by a drug dealer daddy. His son bolted out the gate of the playground while Ryan was coming in, me with the baby/stroller/bags/etc beside him. I looked around and saw the dad right behind the kid, heading for the door. He said nothing about not letting the kid out, he ignored us fully. It appeared to me that they were leaving and Ryan very politely held the gate for them. Then as the dad walked past me he said something nasty about letting the kid out.

I was afraid to let fly the retort I had ready on the tip of my tongue. He was big, musclebound, tattooed and clearly running a home-based business, I suspect doing some transactions with a few other unsavory characters at the playground. I LOATHE that everytime I take Ryan to a park in Surrey/Langley, there are creepy dudes in cars loitering around... at every playground that has a parking lot. And we live in a 'nice' area of Surrey.

I often wonder, and am saddened by, how it is that we are a society so full of fear. And then I get that nervous, scared feeling in my stomach at a playground, in broad daylight on a weekday and I hustle my son away, even though all he wants to do is play on the tire swing. I know I subscribe to a culture of fear myself. With reason?

My mom used to pick up hitch-hikers. The last time she did it, she saw the young man take a claw hammer out of his coat sleeve and slip it into his bag as she drove away. He had it in his hand the whole time he was in her car. i don't think she does that anymore... A friend and co-worker of mine was murdered by a guy she was dating. She still crosses my mind often, even though she's been gone for more than 15 years. Right now there is some stuff going on in my extended family that strikes fear of another funeral in my heart.

What to do? How to raise kids that aren't full of fear? I will keep pondering that. And share a last thing that I read once and kept because I love it. SOrry, I don't know who wrote it - but it wasn't me.

"Fear is the energy that contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards,harms.
Love is the energy that expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals.
Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings and clutches all that we have, love gives it all away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles. Love soothes." (Anon)

Now I'm going to hug my boy and read him a good night story. xoxo